Update October week 9

October 30th 2023

I woke hours ago, have drank copious cups of tea, taken my meds along with my cherry juice and am now sitting uncomfortably at our kitchen table staring at pre-Jack-o-Lanterns.

The day this kitchen set is taken away will be a fine one indeed! I have plans to replace it with a basic, good old fashioned table and chairs set- one where my feet don’t dangle off tall bar stool seats that incidentally make my ass fall asleep.

Anyway, surrounding me there are 5 pumpkins to be carved (and de-seeded, since the only reason the guy I live with picked them up is for the end result of roasted pumpkin seeds…).

I started to carve one Jack-o-lantern yesterday. By the time I had pulled out the guts, rinsed the seeds and spread them out onto a tea towel to dry-I had to go lay down.

I hadn’t finished carving the face.

That pissed me off. Because my brain wasn’t tired.

But it is what it is. Sometimes I have lots of energy with very little pain and sometimes it’s the opposite.

And really, I’m doing pretty f*n’ good, all things considered.

To continue, there are also 2 Halloween cards to sign for the grandkids (because I am a card giver) along with 2 Happy Halloween canvas sacks hanging on either side of the chair opposite me, filled with Halloween goodies for two adorable 2 year olds such as:

washable crayons, spooky colouring books, ‘lift the flap’ Halloween board books, cheesy puffs, organic cookies, play dough and yogurt covered raisins ( not to be eaten together).

Our third grandchild, Olivia, (also adorable and who, to remind you, was born on my transplant day) will need to be satisfied with watching her sister get cheesy puff orange hand prints all over her Mom and Dad’s house and pushing balls of play dough into floor vents. *FYI, when play dough balls dry out they make a much more irritating noise rolling about in the ducts (every time the furnace kicks in) than a dripping faucet…this, I possibly may know from experience.

I’m off to the cancer clinic dentist this afternoon. He’ll inform me if I need more teeth extracted.

Anyone who knows me, knows that dentists and I ( in general) do not have happy relationships. Therefore, after I am done this day, I will require some sort of prize…

When that appt is over, I have my hematologist appt with a possible special appearance from my oncologist. They want to talk with me about a CAR-T cell clinical trial…which, to be honest, isn’t something I feel like discussing on this, the last Monday of October.

They always ask me ‘How have you been feeling’? And that’s a good question. They want to know physically whether I have been experiencing different symptoms, etc. But they don’t really want to know ‘How I’m feeling’, if you know what I mean. If they really wanted to know how I am feeling we would need more than an hour appt! They would need to come stay at my house and agree to be woken up at all hours of the night to discuss philosophical matters…or to listen to the snow flakes drifting lazily down from a pre-dawn sky while we speculated universal questions and drank hot tea from large mugs.

How am I feeling?

This morning is an introspective one.

Swings

My hair,

It isn’t growing fast.

My scalp,

It isn’t perfect.

My lashes

fell out.

The last one,

Winked goodbye

This weekend.

---

Now.

When I cry,

the tears pool.

There isn’t one lash

left,

to blink away

The saltiness

of another day.

---

I immerse

myself.

In anything and nothing,

To stop.

Myself,

From overthinking.

I dive into,

Curiosities.

And make lists of books

and authors,

To read.

Before I fly.

---

It’s the truth.

I do this.

And so much more.

---

I swing,

We swing.

So high into the sky.

They’ll remember.

Our bubbles of giggles,

Floating,

Flying.

Caught up

in the clouds,

of yesterday.

Melting and drifting

Morphing,

into another day.

We swing.

So far away…

It’s another life.

---

With my grand child.

When we laugh,

together,

There is no better music.

It’s like hearing an old song,

That used to be your favourite.

---

And when it plays,

You wonder,

when You

stopped,

Listening to it.

And why?

But it was

because,

They grew…

Of course.

While You stayed,

Waiting.

---

I’m here my darlings.

I’ll be the sky,

I’ll be the clouds.

Drifting lazily,

in a breeze.

Listen hard.

You’ll hear

Our delight.

And feel the rushing,

Wind,

While we swing,

Of yesterdays

memories.