Magic Bread

I’m an artisan bread type of gal. I buy it once (sometimes twice) a week and leave it out on the counter (wrapped) for all to enjoy. Our blue and white butter dish sits on the cutting board and next to it, a fabulous bread knife.

We’re bread-y kind of people. When we visited a low carb diet a couple of years ago, it took all the will power I had not to empty out the crumbs at the bottom of our toaster for a midnight snack…

The rest of the bread in the house (yes, there usually is more) used to be housed on a shelf inside of our cold pantry. Hotdog and hamburger buns, rolls and whole grain, sliced bread were stored there…until I got tired of finding mouldy baked goods that had been stuffed behind a box of crackers or expired quicker than I had predicted.

My partner (who is blind in one eye) had more than once started to make a tainted sandwich or popped a partially green piece of bread in the toaster without noticing…

So I moved the baked goods to a cupboard over our kitchen counter. The toaster is also there and I thought the synergistic merchandising of breads and toaster was a fine idea.

Except I didn’t factor in my height.

The cupboard has 3 shelves and goes all the way to the roof. The toaster, being the heavier item, is on the first shelf. The baked goods, being the lighter items, sit on the second level. This is a corner cupboard with a very deep shelf. Bread, buns and rolls started to get lost at the back and if I didn’t routinely get a step ladder or stool to check for wayward items, I was likely to find a Penicillium party.

Getting on with this…coming clean so to speak…I purchased a loaf of sliced, white Wonderbread. I was going to throw my partner under the bus for this (given the fact that he rarely reads anything I write and that he could care less if anyone knew that he bought sliced, white Wonderbread ) but I decided I would explain my madness in brief. I was busy; we needed bread.  I didn’t want to go to the grocery store or bakery and so I picked up the only bread the corner store had.

Hopefully I won’t offend anyone when I state my opinion on Wonderbread…but it really is pretty wonderous….and…

It is tasteless and paste-y. If you take 4 or 5 pieces, squish and roll it into a ball, it becomes a yeasty, wax mess that may or may not be fun to throw around when you and your friends are bored (and surprisingly, the ‘said ball’ also will not break down if lost behind a couch for a few months…).

How do I know this? Because in the late 70’s our family went on a Wonderbread kick. And just as it does today, the bag said it had all the vitamins, minerals and nutrients you needed. PLUS! They said it tasted great!

I won’t get into the ingredient label. All I will say is, you may be better off sticking to a no carb diet…

I bought the bread though. Not for me to eat of course. Just for the rest of the family who consequently, didn’t seem to mind it at all.

Then it got lost. In the deep abyss of the cupboard over the counter….

Almost TWO MONTHS AGO I purchased this Wonder bread!!!

I found it today.

Try not to be afraid…

It is not mouldy. It is not stale. It hasn’t changed colour. It is pliable…All I can say is “What kind of evil magic is this”?!!!!

I have put a sticky note on the bag-it is sitting on top of our counter for all to view.

“Evil, magic bread. Day 48. Feb 11th. Do not touch”!

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I was thinking of having a contest to see how long it would last before it succumbed to its’ funky, fungi mouldiness….or would it? Maybe I could sell off pieces of it on eBay calling it Magic Bread? Maybe this could be my new side career?

Either way, one of my sons opened the package as I was writing this and put a slice in the toaster (a daring individual it seems…). But! My first customer has arrived!

I believe he owes me some money…

3 thoughts on “Magic Bread

  1. I enjoyed that one! I seem to remember that wonderbread kick in he 1970’s. I don’t think we were so accustomed to artisan breads. Basically there were 3 kinds of bread, if you exclude the baguette: sliced white and brown, and unsliced white which we used the bread knife for! Reminds me That we still have it here. It’s not as great as it once was. Somehow the serrations have gotten dull, I wonder if serrated bread knives can be sharpened?

    Like

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